TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely outside of position. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let's have Yet another location the place American Guys can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he really should prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You recognize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In Trump Tower Damascus line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have change-down services."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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